Does Unadoption Signal a New Lower-Tier Adoption?
In Virginia a long time foster mother would like to unadopt a young man she recently adopted. (Read Article). The mom claims that her adopted son came along with a host of issues that she was not aware of when she adopted him. The mom claims that she only recently found out about his past -- being abused by an alcoholic mother, possibly having psychological problems, etc. The mom claims that she was only told that he was hyperactive at adoption.
It turns out that her adopted son molested two young children. As a result, his adoptive mom (a long time foster mom) can no longer foster other children while he is in the house. This raises a particularly interesting question: if she can "unadopt" her son, does this signal a new lower-tier adoption?
As the law stands now, an adopted child is just as much someone's child as a biological child. This was not always the case, and it is still not necessarily 100%, but it is almost certainly the way the system works. With biological child-bearing a parent is not aware of "who" they are getting. Certainly they may be more knowledgeable about the biological make-up of the child -- various genetic possibilities -- but the parents do not know if their child will grow up to be psychologically challenged or a Nobel Price winner. Parents need to deal with and work with the children they have -- not the children they wished they had.
On the other hand, it is a bad precedent to set for adoption workers to mislead potential adoptive parents as to the truth about a child. Granted, these workers may have warned the adoptive mom, the workers may not have been aware of many of the issues, but let's just hope that there was no malintent involved.
I'm concerned about the idea that parents can adopt a child and if that child is not exactly what they hoped and dreamed for that the parents can return the child. This denigrates adoption, parenthood, and the security that adopted children obtain.
It turns out that her adopted son molested two young children. As a result, his adoptive mom (a long time foster mom) can no longer foster other children while he is in the house. This raises a particularly interesting question: if she can "unadopt" her son, does this signal a new lower-tier adoption?
As the law stands now, an adopted child is just as much someone's child as a biological child. This was not always the case, and it is still not necessarily 100%, but it is almost certainly the way the system works. With biological child-bearing a parent is not aware of "who" they are getting. Certainly they may be more knowledgeable about the biological make-up of the child -- various genetic possibilities -- but the parents do not know if their child will grow up to be psychologically challenged or a Nobel Price winner. Parents need to deal with and work with the children they have -- not the children they wished they had.
On the other hand, it is a bad precedent to set for adoption workers to mislead potential adoptive parents as to the truth about a child. Granted, these workers may have warned the adoptive mom, the workers may not have been aware of many of the issues, but let's just hope that there was no malintent involved.
I'm concerned about the idea that parents can adopt a child and if that child is not exactly what they hoped and dreamed for that the parents can return the child. This denigrates adoption, parenthood, and the security that adopted children obtain.
posted by eponcz at 7:14 AM
6 Comments:
Until you have been in these shoes you cannot imagine. I too wish to unadopt a child. She is currently 15 and has now tried to stab herself and several others,. She is violent over being asked to do simple normal tasks such as tidy up or school work. There is no help because I am a tax payer and not a welfare case. I am fed up with this system. She has been counseled and consoled and she thinks she is the winner. I want no more to do with this mess, she has threatened to kill myself and my other children. Living in fear of a child you tried to help is not what you bargained for and there ought to be able to get help and be safe!! I am very bitter! If anyone thinks they feel sad for these children offer to take guardianship of one of them and put them in your house hold for awhile and live it yourself!!!
I am trying to stop the adoption of my first born daughter. babyselling.com/bryn
My ex girlfriend and I both are rather strong willed people and were very difficult teenagers!
This issue hits very close to home and I would like you to Understand that I would love and support my daughter even if she tried to stab herself or me for that matter!
I do understand your situation, FEDUP. I feel for you. I would not want to live in fear for my children or my own life, from someone who I was trying to help.
I am adopted. As a general rule, I would not advocate "unadoption" as it leaves the child unprotected. When an adult decides to adopt a child, the child has no say in the matter (unless they are old enough to voice their consent). It's not like a marriage where two adult parties decide to make the commitment together and if it doesn't work out they can both make the decision to end their relationship. The law has to provide protection for the children who have already been victimized by abusive parents. If you allow adults to go into adoption thinking that they can later rescind their commitment to the child, you will end up having a lot of parents who decide that it's just too hard, giving up and washing their hands of the situation.
I do believe that "unadoption" may be right for extreme cases, like yours, but who is to be the judge of what is considered extreme?
People who wish to adopt HAVE to understand when going in to it that the child you are getting is not perfect and that their psyche's have been permanently damaged. The only question is to what extent.
I was abused, neglected and three years old when I was removed from the home. I was immediately placed into foster care and then adopted by that same family when I was 5. They had no way of knowing whether I'd turn out to be a child of rage or a child of grace. But they took me on, for which I will always be thankful.
I can feel for people who do take on the children of rage, especially unknowingly. But you know what, biological children can turn out to be violent, manipulative, uncaring adults. There have been numerous accounts of parents or siblings killed by biological children. If this child was your biological daughter, would you give up hope? Would you kick her out of your home and wash your hands of her?
I went into foster care at the age of 5, adopted by my foster parents at 8 and unadopted at 13. After I was unadopted, my foster/adoptive parents adopted 2 more girls and kicked them out after the adoption subsidy/social security ran out. I am very successful and I have a master's degree. My adoptive parents behavior was criminal! The issue that no one seems to address is the fact that states receive an adoption bonus from the federal government when they complete adoptions. There is no penalty when the children come back into the system as an "unadoption". When the child comes back into the system, the state automatically received Title IV-E money regardless of the income of the adoptive parents. If the state can adopt out or pimp out that child again, the state receives another adoption bonus. There is NO incentive to keep families together or more importantly to find QUALITY families for foster children. And to the parents who whine about their horrible children...what did you do? My adoptive mother threatened me constantly with unadoption. I did not feel safe and secure. Children need to feel safe and secure! I survived despite my circumstances. Parents who adopt children as a fashion statement have a very special place in the next life!
My husband and I in good faith adopted two biological brothers (at the time 11 and 12 years old) 2 years ago. We were told by the state that they were ADHD. Having an older son with ADHD, we felt that was a diagnosis we could handle. When asked to evaluate the level of disability we could handle, we eliminated from consideration a lot of mental illness that we knew nothing about. We made it clear we were not equipped to handle a severely damaged child. In the last two years these boys have made our life a living hell. After many hours of psychiatric evaluations and hours and hours of therapy, we have ended up with two teenagers that are Bi-polar, ADHD, ODD, OCD and have Tourette's Tics. We have had the older one admitted to the crisis center twice in the last 7 months when he threatened to kill us and grabbed a knife from the kitchen and most recently when he became psychotic. We feel like we live in a prison. They are constantly defiant, disrespectful, manipulative, liars that have no friends, and do poorly in school due to lack of effort even though they are quite bright. This is every day, all day long one or the other or both at the same time. We have tried every avenue available, have read every book available and have visited countless professionals looking for help. All to know avail. We are told on a daily basis that we suck, they hate us, they don't want to live here, etc. We have hit our limit. We tried to do something that we felt God was leading us to do, and we are both emotional, physical wrecks and cannot imagine continuing this way until they are both adults. We need to save out sanity and be able to sleep at night and not worry that one of them will stab us in our sleep. We are investigating unadoption, but are unsure where to start. We live in Florida. Anyone have any suggestions???
We also adopted a baby and were saying no to drug exposed infants. The expert Dr. Chasnoff insisted there was no affect from methamphetamine usage. Our son was born addicted and our life has been horrible. He needs help, but no one knows what to do. We have gone into huge debt searching. Recently I have learned that the drugs given by sea for these symptoms that resemble adhd, odd...actually create aggression in lab rats in the same exposure history. We trusted the doctors and now are threatened, have to lock ourselves away for safety any time he does not like consequences or is in a mood. We have given him every opportunity. He is 11 and so there are no good treatment centers we can afford (min.$40,000 per year). We have given our lives to him, thinking of adoption is not an easy thought, nor is the thought of calling the police and giving him a record, yet what do you do. We were lied to about the affects of known exposures and of risks, treatments made it worse, schools will not work with us on the few things we have found to help at all, structure, avoiding certain sugar treats...and say we are either not firm enough or too firm, not involved enough or over involved, depending on the IEP attendees. He is bright, a good liar and knows how to charm. How do you raise a child like this. This is not part of our background. We have not given up, but are out of options and ideas. If we gave birth, we would have known all exposures and much family history. Do not condemn us eh adopt, risk our lives and receive no support. I have asked the school to put a flyer for adoptive parents who think their child might have been exposed to these things so we could support, compare and maybe share commonalities with sea. But they refuse. We are left alone with no support and kids who have series brain damage to the part that helps them control impulses, respond to rewards and consequences and affects memory. And yet we do our best, give all our time, health money, hearts and possibly our very lives. Do not condemn us for giving up hope. We did not do this to them, their birth parents did, the doctors hid the expected results and unlike foster parents we are on our own to lose everything with no aid and still may not be able to help the children. Do not condemn us. Please.
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